The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

* Subject: The Top 8 Morons of 2003

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just wouldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,"That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)

Last summer, on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE... (at least that's what the mail forward said -editor)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Subj: Fw: In Honor of Stupid People
Date: 1/31/04 11:38:58 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: De...
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Sent from the Internet

In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medici! ne -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as oppos! ed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

-----------------

This is a little "off-topic," but I will have to agree with this other poster, who commented on The Power Hour post below! -gordon

From: br...
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2003 4:57 pm
Subject: Re: Anger Management

I laughed so hard I thought my pants would never dry. This is right up there with Laurel and Hardy. Thanks so much.

--- In ThePowerHour@yahoogroups.com, "Astro" [astro54@p...] wrote:
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!"and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called A**hole #1 "Hello." "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A**hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."

Then I called A**hole #2.

Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a**hole," I said! .He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?" "You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel so much better.

Ever wonder? ~ (from a friend)

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn....

This here was another email from a friend and not my writing, but I added more below here:

EVER WONDER...

Ever wonder why you DRIVE on a Parkway, but you merely park on a DRIVEWAY...

(Does that mean we're really not "walking" on a sidewalk. Also, if a fly can't fly anymore, is he then a "walk?" --I've seen some flies get in my freezer, barely move, and they then ...become "walks!" lol)

Ever wonder why JUDGES issue "opinions" ... (they ain't quite sure?)

Ever wonder if the SUPREME COURT JUSTICES are so smart... why are they always disagreeing? (At least some of them gotta be wrong, and *maybe* ALL of them ...hey Bub! Let ME be a U.S. Supreme Court Judge... I couldn't do much worse.)

Ever wonder why doctors and lawyers "practice?"

("Hey! When you finally get it 'down pat', give me a ring, OK?" --he he...)

(There ARE all mine, but I've heard them somewhere...)

Ever wonder... hey, stop wondering, wandering, and wundering, and get a move on it!

"Flash" Gordon

(Now, don't fall out of your chair laughing; My insurance doesn't cover that!)

Subject: new chemical element

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has one neutron, 42 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

This next one is for Clint Eastwood, and the "good, bad, and the ugly."

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

I.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

II.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

III.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

IV.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

V.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

VI.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

VII.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

VIII.
Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

IX.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

X.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

					Key links:
		GordonWatts.com	GordonWayneWatts.com	U.S. Dist. Court: Fla. N.D.	11th U.S. Cir. Court of Appeals	U.S. Supreme Court	Brenner v. Scott (Wikipedia)	Pacer.gov

Other LINKS OF IMPORTANCE

Fla. Gay Marriage case: selected docket items (mirror 1)

Fla. Gay Marriage case: selected docket items (mirror 2)

Health/Diet Research:
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Gordon W. Watts, Editor-in-Chief, The Register

"First, they [Nazis] came for the Jews. I was silent. I was not a Jew. Then they came for the Communists. I was silent. I was not a Communist. Then they came for the trade unionists. I was silent. I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for me. There was no one left to speak for me." (Martin Niemöller, given credit for a quotation in The Harper Religious and Inspirational Quotation Companion, ed. Margaret Pepper (New York: Harper &Row, 1989), 429 -as cited on page 44, note 17, of Religious Cleansing in the American Republic, by Keith A. Fornier, Copyright 1993, by Liberty, Life, and Family Publications. Some versions have Mr. Niemöller saying: "Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up, because I was a Protestant"; other versions have him saying that they came for Socialists, Industrialists, schools, the press, and/or the Church; however, it's certain he DID say SOMETHING like this. Actually, they may not have come for the Jews first, as it's more likely they came for the prisoners, mentally handicapped, & other so-called "inferiors" first -as historians tell us -so they could get "practiced up"; however, they did come for them -due to the silence of their neighbors -and due in part to their own silence. So: " Speak up now or forever hold your peace! "-GWW